Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
