What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
