Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
