Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
accomplished twins. life is a go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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