How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
