Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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