a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
