there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
