If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
