Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
