It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
