I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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