yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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