Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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