Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
