sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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