I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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