I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
