I cockslap morals
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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