I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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