I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
