I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
