Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
