why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
