not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
