matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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