i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sober January is a disaster.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
