I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
