Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
