u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
