The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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