how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
