see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
