Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
