yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
