Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
