i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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