hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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