So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
