Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
