the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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