3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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