Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
