from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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