If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you had me at cake vodka
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
