take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
