I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
