I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
