ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
