Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
