Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
